Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
