I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
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6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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