i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
