Kareoke will never be a sober sport
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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