I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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