we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found the puke drawer
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
