WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
