i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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