So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
