i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
