hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
