It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
