He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
