I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
