she looked like the bat from fern gully.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
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The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
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This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.