Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
