Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
