I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
