I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
