Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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