4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
