there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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