dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You have to summon your inner elephant
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
