I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
