the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
