he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize