I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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