Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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