Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
