Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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