The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
