I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
