a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
