Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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