First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
