new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
