My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My dick has a subreddit
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
