its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
