If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
