barbara walters just said penis...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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