Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
