He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
