I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
