my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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