I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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