1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
