He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
