It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
