I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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