her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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