doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
