i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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