It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
