I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
