Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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