xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
